So first off, welcome to the game.
My first suggestion would be to go to your local FNM and just observe. Depending on your local game shop's environment, you might be able to perform alright with a less polished home brew; however, if it's a more competitive store, you're likely going to just get destroyed.
Having said that, the deck as currently constructed has several issues. The most pressing being that you're not clearly dedicated to a strategy. You can really classify decks into one of three types: 1) aggro, 2) mid-range, and 3) control. The first type is dedicated to putting as many threats on the board as possible and simply smashing face as quickly as possible. Aggro decks are characterized by lower mana curves, typically ending at four or occasionally five. Mid-range decks are meant to either ramp into or otherwise just last until you can start dropping bigger threats, typically ones that are harder to deal with. As a result, your curve will be higher and you'll feature more removal. The third type of decks are control, which outside of a few late game win-cons, consist of almost nothing other than removal and answers to your opponent's threats. The plan here is to essentially just control the game until the later turns at which point you can resolve some giant threat that the opponent simply cannot overcome.
You state in your description that you're after a control-type build, yet, you really don't have that much in the way of quality removal. If you're running black, you need to be sitting on a lot of unconditional removal like Doom Blade, Ultimate Price, Hero's Downfall and Devour Flesh. Red should be running Anger of the Gods, Lightning Strike, Mizzium Mortars and things of the like. Additionally Dreadbores are nice to have too. You'll likely want higher end threats to be things like Desecration Demon, Sire of Insanity, Underworld Cerberus, and the like. (Side note, Abhorrent Overlord works beautifully with Whip of Erebos). Outside of these threats, you're going to want a LOT more removal, most importantly being Anger of the Gods, which will let you clear out the opponent's board quite frequently.
Without delving into specific cards too much, I would suggest figuring out which way you would like to run with the deck, then identify the cards that are critical to your strategy. Then you ideally want to pick up multiples of those cards and run most of them as 3-4 ofs, as opposed to only having one copy of a card in the deck. The idea here is to increase consistency across games, making the deck more reliable and more competitive.
All of that being said, if the LGS is super competitive, I would actually suggest trying another LGS and finding somewhere laid back, as the shops where people are dedicated to Grand Prix and Pro-Tour style events will typically have a TON of net-deckers and really just aren't as much fun until you're more skilled.
Remember, the biggest part is to have fun. I hope some of this helped.
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